Rants.

[Londonlipton]

(11-09-2012 04:35 AM)Stephanie Wrote:  Either God led me to this info or I'm psychic but here's something that actually made me throw up a little in my mouth.

I thought for some random reason I'd look at this one dude's fb who kinda used me and tricked me a few yrs ago. I HATE him and that's a strong word ....but it's so bad.

idk if anyone remembers my story about when I worked Baskin Robbins and the manger's brother tricked me into liking him, trying to get me to sleep with him and when I wouldn't he got mad and basically got me fired. Anyway that was a few yrs ago but this is his fb profile that I looked at for no real reason, I just felt like I should.

AND just as I thought, there is a pic of him down on one knee proposing to his gf in front of the Soaring Over California ride at either Disneyland or Disney world!

I know it's stupid you're probably wondering why the heck would I care about this since he was so horrible to me but here's the catch....I'm selfish and still petty enough of a person that I don't wish him well. I know it's so mean to say but I just can't.

What it really comes down to is this; I've been with Michael for almost 2 years. We've been really happy together and I like where we're at right now but because I'm in college and he's just got a new job where he's working his way up to being hired on full time (think today was his first day hired onto the union) we're not in the position to really get engaged. Well maybe we are but we both want to be stable financially and stuff beforehand or at least got a plan going.

You think, oh well what's the issue then? Well the issue is the fact that here's this scum of the earth piece of crap who thinks because he's got a "business degree" and can win a girl over that he can just start dating some girl and less than a year later ask her to marry him. Not only that but he took her somewhere expensive to do it. I'm beyond jealous that some dude can do this and flash his money (well his parent's money) around and think that's going to get him somewhere. Apparently it is.

Here I am actually trying to have a real true relationship with Michael and then all of a sudden I get this freaking Alice premonition (twilight reference) and just KNOW he's engaged. It is actually making my stomach turn to think about him getting something good in life.

It scares me how much hatred I have for one person. He basically ruined my life until Michael came along and still he's getting everything I've wanted.

No honestly I think I know what my serious deep rooted issue is. It's the fact that he's engaged and I'm simply not. I know life isn't a race and when it's gonna happen it will but I'm tired of sitting around watching as everyone else in the world who used to be envious of me or like just one day met someone and now they are engaged ..... my life certainly didn't turn out like I thought it would. I know down the road I'll laugh at how impatient I'm being but it's like I'm the last one yet Michael is older than most of my friends/ex men.

I know when I started dating Michael and found out he was married and divorced that it would be a long road ahead. It's making me want to just cry because I'm pushing him away he says. I didn't really see it but he told me the other night that I'm not always nice to him or something.

It's almost like I want to release him from this whole thing if he's unhappy. Obviously we'll see what happens but it's this time of year when everyone is getting engaged and Michael just kinda looks at me and tells me "soon" well first of all by the time we do get engaged I'll be so on edge I'll ruin it. Second I'm going to start expecting it. HORRIBLE isn't it? I'm freaking 22 years old and my life is just fine. idk why I feel so bitter about everyone around me.

I really am just a terrible person. I see someone get engaged and instead of being happy for them I feel SICK to my stomach and like I want to beat the crap out of them. I see someone is pregnant and instead of being happy I want to find all the reasons why I don't like that person. I'll literally stay away from that person and then complain at how crappy their wedding looked or how fat they are or how ugly their child is....even if it's cute deep down. Of course I'm fake enough to either not say anything or I'll be like "Oh how cute." Occasionally I mean it to like special friends and stuff because they understand and don't rub it in my face....but random idiots on fb getting knocked up and married really make me mad.

Idk if I just have some serious deep rooted issues I've been suppressing all this time but you'd think I was a jaded divorced 40 yr old who can't get pregnant and was molested by an ex bf with the way I act about this. None of that happened so it makes no sense why I'm so mean but I just feel so much hatred for other people's happiness.

I've never openly said this before....and it's scary to see my horrible self written down. I'm sure someone will say to start being nicer and opening up to the idea because I'm going to lose Michael and/or I'm selfish. I'm aware of that and if I knew how to fix my feelings I would but I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart each time someone posts pregnancy or marriage on their fb or in real life. I can't shake it and sometimes there are days when I'm okay but most of the time I'm just bitter and sad. I've always felt not good enough and this just proves it.

I'm not good enough to marry and certainly not good enough to have Michael's kids. He's 27 years old.....all this time I thought I'd have to hold him back from marriage when really I don't think he wants to. I can't even talk to him about it because whenever I try to open up he gets mad and shuts me down.

I spent last new years eve crying my eyes out at 2am and barely sleeping with Michael next to me having no idea until I went to get ready for bed and he followed me and seen I was bawling my eyes out and he knew the reason. I want him to want it.....I don't want to be the girl who is asking for a ring. That's so lame but I just had no idea it wasn't a done deal. Honestly until yesterday I thought things were going great. Then out of nowhere Michael told me I wasn't very nice to him. WTF then today he got mad at me because I asked him if a little clasp on my bracelet was wobbly and if we should get that re-screwed at the jewelers so I don't lose it.....and he started saying he'd just take it back and then started telling me I was tacky for looking online to see what it was. I did that and it slipped out that I seen the price because I wanted to see if it was something I'd feel comfortable wearing outside the house. He yelled at me last October because I accidentally broke my chain on my necklace while we were in a fight and he was yelling for me to hurry.

Even his dang landlord lady was trying to sell her house. She's nice enough and was having an open house. It was like happening RIGHT then and I went to her and said "hey there's some cat poop on the floor just wanted you to know." I said it quietly (nobody except Michael was in the house btw) so she wouldn't have a potential buyer come inside and see cat crap and leave. WELL Michael decides to tell me I'm tacky and rude for telling her. I started to bawl my eyes out because he likes to tell me I'm wrong when I do something. I pride myself in being respectful to most people and the one time I maybe didn't do the "polite" thing by letting cat crap lay on the floor and he goes off on me.

I know it's his mom in him but it's just hard. She likes to tell me EVERYTHING I do wrong but the difference is she doesn't really know me...Michael does and he knows how sad I get being scolded when I didn't do anything wrong, I just didn't do WHAT he would have done so it's automatically grounds for telling me off.

Guess what hurts me the most of all of this is that he told me I wasn't very nice to him. He "jokingly" said I need to be careful or I'll chase him away....who says that to someone they "love". Obviously I'm not what he's looking for. It's like every time I think we're closer to being mentally ready to get engaged, he finds something to say that makes me know he's nowhere near.

I was telling him Saturday night about how some girl on my fb was dating some guy for over a year and just found out he was cheating on her with his FIANCE lol. I was like "Stuff happens when ur not nice to me. She's the second of my old coworkers who's husband left them and they got cheated on in a new relationship." I expected him to laugh and instead ALL he heard from that was about marriage and he's like "There you go again Steph just stop talking about people getting married or engaged."

Kinda makes it hard for me to be okay with the fact that he's like NOT wanting to get married it seems. Sometimes he claims he does just randomly. Like he'll say "Go off your birth control and lets get married and have a baby soon.....I want one." .....Then a week later he's like POed that I even mention MY FB friend NOT ME, getting cheated on.

idk what to expect anymore except absolutely nothing. Completely out of left field did this come yesterday. He seems to do that after giving me a present. He started telling me on my last birthday that he wasn't happy with me....and I never figured out why. Whenever he gives me a gift he starts being kinda rude and sarcastic and if I'm not bouncing off the walls like a 5 yr old about it and instead quietly thanking him, he starts getting upset that I don't want it and it gets ugly. This will go on for probably a month or so off and on until he gets used to the gift he gave me. That's why I seriously asked him NOT to get me anything big because every time he does he starts treating me mean.

I know it's not about me I think it's an insecurity because his ex wife took his ring to her and gave it to her new husband to give to her....so he's been hurt a lot. It's been 2 yrs though and 4 since his divorce. I can't be willing to marry a guy that I don't know if by the wedding will leave me at the alter because he's too afraid of marriage again. Probably a far fetched idea but he's acting really odd lately and grumpy. He always feels horrible when he makes me cry but he gets more mad IF I cry.

Ugh God longest rant in history.

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Ultimately I think my biggest issue is I'm a nutjob and 2am I get depressed...plus I've been odd lately about everything. idk things always look better in the daylight. I can try to talk to him but he's probably going to get mad.

I don't know if you want a reply to this or not....but anyway.
Yes you have issues.
But in order for your current relationship to be all you want it to be,you need to learn from your past and let it go. By harbouring these negative feelings about your past you are hindering your relationship with Michael as you seem (and forgive me for this) very indecisive. You say you and Michael have decided to wait till you are financially stable-which is very sensible-to think about kids and marriage,yet the second someone you know has these you become very jealous of them. I wonder if you really want to wait or are you just saying this to keep Michael happy?

To able to love another and commit fully to another and a relationship,you need to be happy with yourself and love you-and I get the sense that your issues are getting in the way of this. Michael obviously loves you remember that-stop judging your relationship by what and how others live their lives, it's unhealthy and you are a great person that will have marriage,babies and a great husband when you are ready for it. These people are ready for these commitments stop rushing your life,it will all fall in to place when the time is right for you and Michael.